I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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