Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
