I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
