The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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