I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
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