I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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