Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Randomize
