can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
