As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
