You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I would fuck him just for his dog
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
