She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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