If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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