The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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