there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
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I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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