someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Randomize
