I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
