I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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