in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
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