Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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