I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
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