My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
ok first of all what the fuck
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
