When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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