I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
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