Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
