I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I don't deserve a penis
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
