I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Is Oprah even human
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
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