I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
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