I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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