Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
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