the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
there is glitter all over my balls
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