I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
