i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Randomize
