doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Randomize
