And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
