Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Randomize
