i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
