I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
