We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
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