Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize
