im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
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