I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
