i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I think I sprained my soul last night
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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