Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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