Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
