your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
