I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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