Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
you guys were way drunker than both of me
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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