Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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