This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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