Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
