We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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