My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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