I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
