The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize