you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Randomize
