I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
