i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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