Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
