You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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